More Love Emails from the Prolific Swain, Gov. Mark Sanford

Oh, you Gov!

Newly discovered love emails show SC Gov. Mark Sanford continuing to traverse the arc of his most extraordinary teaching moment.

A few days ago I shared my thoughts on the first batch in Write a Better Novel. It’s time to move on to other matters over there, so I’ve reawakened my dormant personal blog, a more appropriate venue for the sensational.

As you’ll see, this new flourish confirms the Luv-Guv’s top-10 status as one of the most careless lovers in the history of romance. This time it’s a trove of previously unknown “ooh-mails” that he left in a Denny’s in Beaufort, SC. Printed out in purple Zapfino and bound in flowered Florentine, the new chapbook of throbbing e-missives was plucked off the formica by a group of clever high school cheerleaders who immediately put them up for auction on eBay. As before, they constitute a delicious compendium of do’s and don’ts (mostly don’ts) for writers in all genres. See how many boo-boos you can spot:

“My darling, in that I was flying home from our most recent Pan American seashore initiative, lost in thoughts of you, I had to consult my schedule and was shocked and awed to realize how quickly three weeks pass when you spend it lolling magnificently on the Appalachian Trail, haha, with the love of your wife, er, life. I think I will buy a paper and see who’s missed me.”

“Maria. Maria. Maria–yes, imagine it sung in your ear–how could I in all good consciousness (sic), not accept that generous cornucaper (sic) of appropriations at the heart of your stimulus package? Dearest little goucha, you are my low hanging fruit, the creamer in my coffee, the knees on my bees, I would even say the A-1 on my fllet, the old wine in my new bottle, the lipstick on my pig–wherein, of course, nothing sexual intended, haha.”

“…Are you aware, my darling, as I am, of the curve of your lip, the romance in your gaze, the lazy 90 degrees of your Southwestern drift? You are my extralegal coalition of light & dark, my marble cake, my Oreo, my montage of tan lines, if you catch my drift, muchacha. You know I’ve always said I’m a generous type of statesman, the kind of leader who will reach across the aisle in a second, given half a chance. Don’t know how you say it down there, sweetmeat, but consider yourself reached across by the Governor of the Great State of South Carolina.”

Let us draw the curtain now on this blinding display of gubernatorial passion. It’s been a lovely afternoon, but l think we”ve had enough, if you catch my drift.

Comments on this entry are closed.